Abusive control advice

[Malcolm Tucker]

Really tough one Spandau, the simple advice is for the mom to let the girl now that she is there for her and that anytime she needs to have a place to come to her bed is ready and made up. Maybe start arranging some mother / daughter time together now that lockdown has eased or even arrange some group get togethers with the scrote as well. The added complication here will be lockdown and the extra control element that allows him.

My daughter got in with some drug dealing scrote a few years ago and to this day she hasn't told me his name or where he lives because of what he did to her. He finally went too far and she realised that she had to get out and we were there for her to pick up the pieces, luckily there was no long term damage and it was a short lived thing, but he's still on my radar. 

My advice is simple - be there for her and start to reintroduce time with her now the lockdown is easing. She will come round and if he does need a talking to there's nothing illegal to having a quiet chat on your own with him.

Having been through a similar situation in our family, I’d agree with this. If you get on to her about what a scum bag the bloke is, it’ll only strengthen her resolve to make it work. She needs to see for herself what an utter cunt he is.

[HawkingsHalfpint]

Sounds like a tricky predicament, spandau.

I guess at 18 very few of us know or can appreciate what’s best for us. Many of us fuck-up relationship-wise way older than this; and of course - in even the most controlling of relationships - love is blind.

On one hand I’d want to get her out of there and rearrange this guy’s face. On the other, as said above that could only serve to alienate her further and strengthen her ‘bond’ with this guy. Controlling partners are extremely manipulative; they will capitalise on any intrusion to further their ends in getting what they want (i.e. that person all to themselves).

Painful as it must be, I think you just have to let this one play out. Sooner or later these situations have a habit of coming to a head and resolving themselves. Sooner or later she’ll realise, because eventually these kinds of people always push it too far. We’re all our own people at the end of the day, and whilst she can’t see it now, eventually she will do.

I’d remain on-hand of course to dish out the knuckle butties if he ever becomes dangerous towards her. In which circumstance someone has to act. But apart from that, I guess all you can do is be there and wait for it to collapse and to pick up the pieces.

[foreveralbion]

going on your description spandau he doesnt sound a completly wrong un with him at least having a job and not working his way up the drug dealing ladder.

his behaviour though towards your god daughter is unacceptable and i can see why you want her away from him.

ive been there a bit with my daughter and its not nice.

what about imposing yourself on them more?

keep popping round for cups of tea and constant invites to yours?

i know its not what you want to do but might put some pressure on him?

[Spandaubaggie]

going on your description spandau he doesnt sound a completly wrong un with him at least having a job and not working his way up the drug dealing ladder.

his behaviour though towards your god daughter is unacceptable and i can see why you want her away from him.

ive been there a bit with my daughter and its not nice.

what about imposing yourself on them more?

keep popping round for cups of tea and constant invites to yours?

i know its not what you want to do but might put some pressure on him?

Good advice. I would hope as lockdown ends she might start coming to her senses.

[Bob Fossil]

Controlling types like him will want to turn her against family so he's got her all by herself. As others have said you just have to be there for her because she'll soon realise he's no good.

This 100%. Don't let him pull her away from you, kill him with kindness. I know it's hard, but grit your teeth and stay as close to her, and him, as you can.
Best case scenario is that once things settle down and he doesn't see you as a threat he will lose some of his insecurities and relax his grip, he's only a kid after all. If he doesn't then. hopefully she will see him for what he is and will turn to you as she will not see you as the enemy.

[HUGHIE REED31]

Self policing is the only option these days
send some lads round to have a word with him.

[Swagbaggie]

Spandau. I would suggest you or her Mum call the Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. It's run by Refuge and is available 24/7.
They are experts at this and will give an opinion on the matter and guidance about what to do.
The advice given above is not really correct.
There are relatively new offences of coercive control in an intimate or family relationship. It includes but is not exclusive to psychological, physical, sexual, financial and emotional matters.
Just because she may seem compliant that may not be the case and there are many reasons for this also.
In extreme cases a third party can be the complainant - in other words The Police or other body can investigate and charge without consent from the victim.
Here is the legislation guidance.
I would suggest a quick read of it to see if you think it may fit and if you are getting the whole story from her, but at least ring the helpline.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/co...lationship

[Spandaubaggie]

Spandau. I would suggest you or her Mum call the Domestic Abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. It's run by Refuge and is available 24/7.
They are experts at this and will give an opinion on the matter and guidance about what to do.
The advice given above is not really correct.
There are relatively new offences of coercive control in an intimate or family relationship. It includes but is not exclusive to psychological, physical, sexual, financial and emotional matters.
Just because she may seem compliant that may not be the case and there are many reasons for this also.
In extreme cases a third party can be the complainant - in other words The Police or other body can investigate and charge without consent from the victim.
Here is the legislation guidance.
I would suggest a quick read of it to see if you think it may fit and if you are getting the whole story from her, but at least ring the helpline.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/co...lationship

Cheers Swag.

[baggiebloke]

I think there is some excellent balanced input on this thread and I hope that all end's well for SB's GD.

The main thing, SB, is that you've got her back. Fair play to you. Hope it's sorted soon mate.

[baggy1]

I think there is some excellent balanced input on this thread and I hope that all end's well for SB's GD.

The main thing, SB, is that you've got her back. Fair play to you. Hope it's sorted soon mate.

You wait to hear the input when Spandau tells us he's holding the dog hostage